Book Club – Sons of Suicide

Book Club Discussion Questions

In Chapter I, Rick calls his father “stoic – and that’s an understatement. He never really talked about Mom’s suicide. It’s not even a word he would have used.” Do you think Rick’s Dad, Mark, was just an unemotional type or was he burying his emotions? Why so? To what extent was he a product of his times? And are today’s times notably different?
Both Rick and David’s fathers remarried soon after their mothers’ suicides. Both sons found that this made their lives – and their siblings’ lives – harder. Why do you think both fathers remarried so quickly? What caused the sons to feel worse, rather than better, having a stepmother? How did the fathers handle the conflicts between their children and their new wives?
Soon after meeting, Rick and David started calling their serious talks “SSs” – for “soul sessions.” Do you think there was some special significance to this label, as opposed to some other possible names, such as “heart to heart” or “man to man” talks?
In Chapter IV, Tom and Dennis, fellow sons of suicide, are introduced. Were you taken aback that these four guys somehow found each other? Do you think it was mere coincidence, luck or something more cosmic? Why do you think it took Rick, David and Tom 20 years to find out about their shared past?
In their email exchange, the four sons reveal details of the events surrounding their parents’ suicides and how that terrible loss influenced them and their families. What struck you most about their stories?
In Chapter IX, David asks: “Do we ever really know our parents other than as parents?” He talks about his Uncle Ben, the only adult who would answer his questions candidly about the thorny aspects of his parents’ lives apart from their parenting roles. For David, at 13, blunt talk with his uncle helped him get through the worst of times. Do you think David was unusual that way or are most children his age able to handle the hard truths?
Tom’s father and Dennis’ mother suffered from alcoholism and depression for some time before taking their own lives. In Chapter XI, both Tom and Dennis note that they, too, have been prone to drink too much, have bouts of depression, and have contemplated suicide though neither has ever acted on those thoughts. Do you think their parents’ suicides aggravated these tendencies in their sons or did they give them the strength to fight off those tendencies?
At the Chicago dinner in McCormick & Schmick’s restaurant, all four sons spoke of how their perspectives changed over time. For instance, each grew to better understand how challenging it must have been to suddenly be a surviving parent. Which of the surviving parent(s) best handled helping their survivor-children weather the rough seas of the years immediately after the suicide?
There were many similarities in the ways the four sons reacted to their parents’ suicides, but also some differences. What are those differences, and what do you think accounts for them?
In one of his emails (Chapter XXI), Rick writes: “I refuse to be defined by my mother’s suicide.” In what ways is this statement true . . . or false? Do you perceive any particular ways Rick’s mother’s suicide has, in fact, defined him and his life?
David and Rick had only one significant argument (Chapter XXVII, the Sunday Donuts shouting match) in their “first 50 years” of friendship. If you have a long-time close friend in your life, what meaningful differences has that friendship meant to you? When you argued or lost touch for a time, how did you and your friend restore your relationship?
While the four sons stay in touch in multiple ways, the Chicago dinner in 2009 is still the only time they have been all together, in the same place at the same time. Did this surprise you? How did the bond they share become so strong before they ever broke bread together? Why does it persist, ever stronger perhaps, since Chicago?
In the Epilogue, Rick and David compare present-day attitudes and cultural mores about suicide to what they were 50-plus years ago, when their mothers took their lives in an atmosphere of “the less said, the better.” Over the past half century, how have we, as a society, changed how we view and talk about suicide? And how do we still need to change?
The subtitle of the book is “A memoir of friendship.” When you finished reading the book, did you agree with or question the choice of subtitle? Why?
Despite growing media and public attention to suicide, and widespread availability of suicide prevention hotlines and professional counseling, suicide rates nevertheless continue rising at alarming rates. That’s true across virtually every demographic, but especially among young people and certain populations (e.g., military veterans, Native-Americans, medical doctors, student-athletes). Why is this? What should be done to reverse these trends?
Each of the sons kept the “secret” of his parent’s suicide largely to himself -- until the four found friendship among themselves. This “pulling inward” seems to be true for most survivors of suicide loss. Why do you think that is? What effects does this self-enforced silence have on them and those close to them?
What did the sons’ friendships with each other give them that they hadn’t been able to find elsewhere? Is a close friendship an adequate substitute for professional therapy? What do survivors of suicide loss need most if they are to heal?